Honoring Birth Parents

The Mulberry Bird | June 28, 2025

Birth parents have a vital place in the adopted child’s heart and mind, and the adoptive family’s life. They are the first people in any child’s origin story, and for children who have been adopted, they serve as part of their extended family, regardless of whether they are unknown or known, physically absent or present and participating to a varying degree in the child’s life.

Birth parents are the first people in any child’s origin story. Mental health professionals underscore the importance of a child’s mastery of a coherent origin story and timeline of early childhood life events in the development of the child’s identity and sense of self, and contribution to overall emotional health.

Mythology and history are replete with examples of adoption. Because of my South Asian Hindu heritage, I am more familiar with the fascinating stories of Sita, Krishna, Draupadi, and Karna, who were all adopted. These stories have helped me articulate adoption and normalize it with my child, and also send a prayer in the direction of his birth parents, particularly birth mother, during important festivals. Other religions and cultures are likely to have similar examples. The picture below shows the adoption of Moses.

Even if the birth parents are absent and unknown, they deserve to be honored for carrying the pregnancy to delivery and ensuring safe birth of the child, and making an adoption plan for the child to the best of their ability.

While talking to an adopted child about their birth parents, the adults need to use positive language, and avoid judgmental tone. Genetically inherited attributes such as skin color, hair color, eye color can be referenced while complimenting the birth parents to the child. e.g., “You must have got those beautiful eyes from your tummy mommy.”

It is important to avoid making negative assumptions regarding motivation behind placing a child for adoption. The positive phrasing is: the birth parent made an adoption plan and wanted the best life for their child.

Art comes to our rescue when trying to make sense of a birth mother’s decision to make an adoption plan for her child. In the Hindu epic, Mahabharata, Kunti, who is better known as the queen mother of the ethical Pandava brothers and kings, relinquishes her first born Karna, before she marries King Pandu and subsequently gives birth to the Pandavas. Her emotions are wonderfully channeled in this description of a classical dance about Kunti and Karna, performed by

Tara Rajendran

. Listen to Kunti’s emotions in this video.

Fast forward to the modern era, in a memoir of a very open adoption, “Rock needs river,” Vanessa McGrady writes,

“Adopted children need to know their story and that they weren’t “given away” because of something they were or did; birth parents need to fully grieve.”“Illumination is powerful medicine.”

In a powerful essay about why adopted children need to have full access to their birth story, Steve Inskeep argues for removing legal barriers for allowing an adopted person access to information about birth parents.

There are several stories in the Modern Love section of the New York Times that describe the birth mother side of the adoption story. Here are some of my favorites:

Left to be Found: In this story, the birth mother leaves her baby with a note that says: “Never forget me. I will never forget you.”

Hers was a World of One: In this story, a gay couple enter an open adoption agreement with a young single homeless mother. The story is funny as well as emotionally gripping.

Why did She Leave Me There: In this Modern Love Hyderabad story, a successful man retraces his life journey back to his childhood that was rich with his grandmother’s love and his time spent growing up in an orphanage.

Adopted children have several questions about their birth parents in their minds even if they don’t ask them directly. They may be afraid to ask and often wait for their parents to open the conversation. If you are wondering about how to begin, the following book is an excellent resource.

The Mulberry Bird

The classic book, The Mulberry Bird is written by Anne Brodzinsky and illustrated by Angela Marchetti. On the page shown in this picture, the owl is helping the mother bird with making an adoption plan for her dear baby bird. You can listen to the reading of this page here:

The story has one of the best descriptions of a birth mother making an adoption plan for her small child whom she dearly loves but recognizes her own limitations in taking care of the child in a safe manner. The book ends with how an adopted child can frame their adoption experience in a meaningful manner. It’s a beautiful book worth reading and rereading.

From a Family

This story is from my own family. Recently, we took my dad out to a nice restaurant for Father’s Day brunch. My elementary-aged son asked, “Mommy, is today Father’s Day?” I said, “Yes” and then asked, “How does that make you feel?” giving him an opening to share his feelings. For context, I am a single mom who was widowed many years ago, and my son who I adopted a few years ago often refers to my late husband as “my daddy in heaven.” His response to my question was a thumbs down and a sad face. I took the opportunity to look in his eyes and say, “Hey, I am pretty sure that both your daddy in heaven and your far away birth daddy would be super proud of you if they were to see you right now.” My son didn’t say anything for a minute and then asked for my permission to walk along the restaurant windows and watch the cars outside. I gave him the space he needed in that moment. I am sharing this story because our social lore is overly focused on birth moms and downplays the role of birth dads in an adopted child’s life.

Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed this newsletter. Please like, subscribe and share. Until next time, ~Pranavi